I have decided to share my journey in the hopes that by telling the truth and standing in authenticity,  it might help me to move through the profound emotions that I am feeling as I stand in the Grace of Spirit and the Mystery. When life turns upside down I guess we have a few options. All of the feelings, emotions and patterns, listed below have been a part of the journey these last few months…

  1. Denial
  2. Cave
  3. Crumble
  4. Pull the covers over our heads
  5. Freeze
  6. Leave planet earth voluntarily
  7. Call friends and ask for help – not my forte, but I am learning
  8. Lean into the darkness and vulnerability

It took awhile to get to number 7, but as of this weekend, I am leaning in and facing the difficult emotions of losing everything I have come to know as security. Husband, home, furnishings, cherished items and seemingly at this point, potentially the Valley and community I’ve called “home” for 25 years. I am a Capricorn, that says a ton about how difficult this has been. I’ve also come to realize that my archetypal implant has been to be a homeowner. My family and ancestors, were blessed to always have owned our own homes. It was programmed into me that home =’s security. Well, if we’ve learned nothing else since 2006, we have sure learned how much of an illusion that particular myth is! Now I am wrestling my psyche to the ground in service to…Letting go….

Funny enough, I’ve been watching the Saving Grace on Netflix addictively for the last couple of weeks. I missed it first go around and these days I find myself wishing for my very own Earl. A winged being who spontaneously shows up to help me figure out next steps on the path. I pray a lot! I give it over…a LOT! Most days it does feel like it’s a big shout out to the abyss, but in my sane moments, I can stand back, breathe and really see what I was able to create these last 54 years and all the things I am truly grateful for. This rational outlook is an affirmation that despite feeling lost in the woods in this particular moment-which is part of every Hero’s Journeywhen I am feeling more balanced and rested, something new promises to reveal itself, seed and birth. I won’t lie and say that the blessings list comes easy, but it does bring me back to some kind of stable ground and get me out of the Ego and Venomous Toad Committee’s mind spin.

Speaking of letting go…Yesterday, I threw away a huge plastic bin of old photos from my pre-teen, teenage and college years. I did the DEED on the day the trash company was coming, so I wouldn’t have any second thoughts. I’ve been hauling that box around for I don’t know how many decades and I decided it was time to let it go. It was a heavy weighted box…like 50 pounds.  Almost a pound for each year of my life! I didn’t even go through it, because I knew if I did, I would stop and that would be enough to make me haul it around for another decade. To be honest, it was a time of life filled with a lot of misery, old boyfriends and a first husband, drugs and really horrible self-esteem. Truth be told, I still have the memories in my mind’s eye and that is enough. Sure, it wasn’t all bad, but it really wasn’t that great either.

Today, I feel 50 pds lighter, knowing that it’s gone.

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Dusty Boots © 2013 Sheri Gaynor.com

 

 

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